That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just high enough for therapy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
