just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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