So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
