Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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