I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
