tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Found your dick twin last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
