The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
