I should be sponsored by Trojan
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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