He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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