I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
