You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
