I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
