My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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