bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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