I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
