Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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