I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
