Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
