I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
zippers are such a cool invention
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
