The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
