Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
