I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
