you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
