I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
