I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
