I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
