My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
