If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
