Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
