i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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