he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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