I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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