whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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