hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
