Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
