He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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