Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
