turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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