So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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