my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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