Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
