I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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