I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
