I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
