I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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