I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
