How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
