tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
