Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
