I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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