I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize