can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
