I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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