When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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