I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Vodka?
Forever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
