I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
